when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
