In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
someone owes me an orgasm
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
