when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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