my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
