Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
