U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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