Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
