i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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