I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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