i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
