Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
