Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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