dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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