he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
