He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
