Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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