How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
