I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
