i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize