Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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