I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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