Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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