Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
