I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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