i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
