quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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