i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
