i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I forgot how hot balto sounded
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize