She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize