yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
