I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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