I'm gonna have a badass scar
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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