mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize