oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
