This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
