Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
