I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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