I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
