Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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