she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize