That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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