69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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