i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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