my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
