I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
