I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
