filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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