wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
