Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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