There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
