i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
