he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
