I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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