So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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