I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
