I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
