Screwed.edu
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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