Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
