I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Randomize
