wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
